Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Extremely relatable.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.