Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.