This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”