Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
me: this is free, right?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[my cell phone rings]
ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
Me: I’m done peeing!!
Khakis: No you’re not.