Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.