this is so accurate

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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?


I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.


[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]


If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.