@SchooIAnswer

this is so accurate

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@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@InternetHippo

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.