Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth