Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

🤣

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”