This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.