This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.