This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
🧠
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’