This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Friends that check up on you >
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars