This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
A friend sent me this.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people