This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Gemma Correll
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Thursday
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.