This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
💁🏻♂️
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣