This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.