This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
what’s really going on
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how