If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?