This is so me 😂😂
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.