This is so me 😂😂
You Might Also Like
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The news is so predictable nowadays
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy