This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
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I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.