This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
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it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
this is the best interaction on twitter
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”