This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?