Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.