This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
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In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
What’s so funny?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..