“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Cool shirt 🙂
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no