this is so top tier i cant
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.