this is so top tier i cant
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.