this is so top tier i cant
You Might Also Like
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
the greatest twitter interaction
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.