this is so top tier i cant
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow