This is so wrong 😂
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I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
get you a girl who
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
