This is so wrong 😂
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
very niche meme I made
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.