Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fixed this for Shakespeare

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears