This is so wrong 😂
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
True story 🤣
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?