This is so wrong 馃槀
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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
the prophecies have been fulfilled
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Does this dress make me look cat?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Listen, I鈥檓 as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they鈥檙e left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I鈥檓 worried I said something homeowphobic
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you鈥檒l need these 15 products
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let鈥檚 hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT鈥橲 SPAGHETTI
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who鈥檚 Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It鈥檚 not my arm.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy 鉂わ笍
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you鈥檙e supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
my parents didn鈥檛 raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
just give your kids the ipad they鈥檙e the ones who鈥檒l be fighting cyborgs in the future.