This is so wrong 😂
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.