This is so wrong 😂
You Might Also Like
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*