This is so wrong 😂
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m good, thanks.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”