This is so wrong 😂
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
shit just got real
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
