This is Sparta
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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
i wonder why they stopped looking
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?