This is Sparta
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster