Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.