Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

“Worm Regards”

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Lmao 🤣

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos