Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

ACED my prostate exam!