Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

lol

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

How all things should be taught/explained.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.