this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
first you must answer his riddles
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
what kind of cook setting is this??