Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

ㅤ

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.