this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.