this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman