This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
This is Sparta
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.