This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
How animals would run if they were human
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.