Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby