This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
the clam before the storm
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.