this is the best day of my life
You Might Also Like
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
IT’S-A ME,
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I am never leaving this website
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.