this is the best interaction on twitter
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos