this is the best interaction on twitter
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
i want it utterly assaulted.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it