this is the best interaction on twitter
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“