this is the best interaction on twitter
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
being a writer on Twitter:
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.