this is the best interaction on twitter
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?