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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Cat is stressing him out.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.