This is the best one I’ve seen
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity