This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.