This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
wtf is a larm clock?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
