This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”