Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

good for her

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.