Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

*puts words between two asterisks*

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.