This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You Might Also Like
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.