“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Whoa 😂
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
When I snag the last meatball.