Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

When can I start eating bats again.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now