“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.