This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.