Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship