“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..