“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.