This is the coolest video you will see today.
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I ain’t wearing no wire
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians