Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much